Love Math Resources
Explore These Resources With Your Partner
Recognizing and honoring the energetic boundary between you and the person you love, and accepting and respecting your own and their autonomy.
What is Love?
My Definition:
The energy and information flow signaling that your personal well-being is linked with the well-being of the person you care about.
and
“The will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.” — M. Scott Peck, M.D.
According to Esther Perel, “to love” is a skill that is cultivated, not merely a state of enthusiasm.
It is dynamic and active. Imbued with intention and responsibility. And it is a verb.
Esther Perel stated: I pay attention to seven verbs:
TO ASK
TO TAKE
TO RECEIVE
TO GIVE
TO SHARE
TO REFUSE
TO PLAY/ IMAGINE
When we learn these verbs as children, some grow strong while others grow weak. As adults, they become built into the foundations of our defense mechanisms and our survival strategies; our strengths and our vulnerabilities.
Building Win-Win Connections
One + one can be one, two, or three
1 + 1 = 1
Codependent Relationships
1 + 1 = 2
Independent Relationships
1 + 1 = 3
Interdependent Relationships
1 + 1 = 1: Codependent Relationships
These behaviors create a dynamic where growth is stifled and individuality is suppressed.
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Manipulation is the name of the game
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Narcissism (exploitation and entitlement, empathy deficit) is the sign
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Lacking self-awareness
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Disagreements are not tolerated
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Gaslighting is the strategy
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Eventually both people are disempowered
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Competition is the name of the game
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The desire to be right is more important than the story of shared success
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One person wins at a time
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Lacking self-awareness and the other-awareness
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Conflict is inherent and often not resolved
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Healthier than codependent, but often frustrating to both
These behaviors emphasize self-reliance and competition, often resulting in unresolved conflict and disconnection rather than the shared success.
1 + 1 = 2: Independent Relationships
1 + 1 = 3: Interdependent Relationships
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Collaboration is the name of the game
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The story of shared success is created through peaceful and respectful communication
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Healthy boundaries are maintained
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Trust is built and rebuilt through the Harmony-Disharmony-Repair cycle
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The third entity, “Us”, is created
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Disengaging from I am right- you are wrong power dynamic
These behaviors create a dynamic where each person contributes to a resilient partnership shaped by trust, reciprocity, and shared purpose.
Creating the story of shared success.
The grass is greener where WE water it
What is on the other side of this fence? Is it the same for both of us?
Love and Anger are Neurobiologically Incompatible
When fear meets pain it becomes aggression
When love meets pain it becomes compassion
The essence of a healthy relationship lies in collaboration. This requires creating (and recreating) the story of SHARED success in a peaceful and respectful way.
What hinders relationships that start well but often don’t end well?
The Dance of Intimacy
(into ME SEE)
The Harmony — Disharmony — Repair Cycle
Introduction to the Cycle:
- Learned dynamic within interdependent relationships
- Essential for growth and deeper connection
Importance of the Cycle:
- Strengthens relationships through adaptability and understanding
- Views disharmony as an opportunity for growth and deeper connection
Deep Dive: The Intimacy Cycle
Harmony
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State of mutual understanding and emotional connection
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Characterized by trust, satisfaction, and mutual support
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Efforts to resolve conflicts and restore connection
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Requires communication, understanding, and commitment
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Building block of trust
Repair
Disharmony
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Period of conflict, misunderstanding, or dissatisfaction
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Vulnerability shows up
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Signals for growth and change
Constructive Communication
Turning towards: Makes relationships stronger by fostering mutual understanding and validation.
You can get closer with conflict
Becoming a good negotiator of your needs is the key, and it is a skill that is teachable and learnable.
TRUST
I win, you win, US wins
Destructive Communication
Turning away or against: (Passive or active destructive) Undermines trust and connection, leading to growing emotional distance.
The Love Languages
(per Gary Chapman Ph.D.)
Physical Touch
Words of Affirmation
Quality Time
Receiving Gifts
Acts of Service
Hugs, kisses, holding hands, and other forms of touch are important expressions of love
Physical Touch
Words of Affirmation
Compliments, verbal encouragement, and expressions of love and appreciation
Quality Time
Spending quality time together, engaging in meaningful conversations, or doing activities together shows love for people who speak this language
Receiving Gifts
Even a small, meaningful gift can show the person that they are loved and remembered.
Acts of Service
Doing something helpful or thoughtful for the other person, like cooking a meal or taking on a task they dislike
The Most Important Relationship in Your Life is with Yourself (and All Parts of YOU)
According to research 70-80 % of people are kinder to other people than themselves.
Interdependence is impossible without learning to replace shame with self-compassion.
Self-kindness is learnable, and teachable, but not easy to master.
It has been shown to be the secret sauce of becoming a better negotiator of your needs.
And it's a prerequisite for listening to your partner and their needs.
Methods Capable of Predicting Divorce with Up to 93.6% to 96% Accuracy
John Gottman: Revolutionizing Relationship Research
Who? Dr. John Gottman, a leading figure in marital stability and divorce prediction.
Research: Began in the 1970s with Dr. Robert Levenson, focusing on couple interactions.
Key Findings: Identified the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse as negative communication patterns predicting divorce.
Approach: Emphasizes conflict management over resolution; 69% of relationship problems are perpetual.
Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse
Criticism
Destructive blaming and shaming
Defensiveness
Unwillingness to accept constructive criticism or helpful feedback
Stonewalling
Unwillingness to change, resisting repair
Contempt
A toxic mix of anger and disgust. The most reliable predictor of breakup or divorce.
CARE Checklist
C - Compassionate Curiosity
See with compassionate curiosity. Allow yourself to feel angst, discomfort, feelings that we are trained not to have. Without these feelings we cannot ask for what we want. Understand your right to say no.
A - Ask
What do I need to return to my peaceful baseline? Breathing, tapping, etc. Allow yourself to feel the pain with self-compassion, move through the feeling by accepting the moment of suffering, and connecting to the need unmet.
R - Respect
If there is an ask to another person, you have to articulate it respectfully, nonviolently, peacefully, in the way a 5 year old could understand because the way we interpret things is from the mind of a child. Should be simple, concrete, unambiguous, in a congruent paraverbal tone. Right conversation at the right time. Speak with your body and autonomic nervous system - relax the hands, relax the tongue, relax the vocal cords (hypnotic voice), gentle touch.
E - Engage, Not Enrage
First 3 steps should result in communicating your heart’s desire and engaging your partner. To achieve win-win or joy-full solution to the problem, where you see both points of view, you need empathy. Hard conversations need to happen to find relief. Flexibility, learning to speak your partner’s language, not just your own.